Women like jerks

This weekend Edna Welthorpe, my partner-in-crimes-against-nature, read a book that had a 15th century blind girl getting herself pregnant by the first available asshat dandy jerk who came along in order to avoid an arranged marriage to the kind of dependable, smelly, loose-fisted prick parents of blind girls in the 15th century thought would make a good match. Still with me? Good.

I foolishly suggested that women face this sort of choice all the time - "boring ass vs. exciting jerk". I idiotically pointed out that it's a well recognised evolutionary strategy for females to pair with dependable males but to secretly seek out sex from alluring outsiders - presumably to ensure the best future for their offspring.

Edna seems to translate this as me saying "women like jerks". Where she got that from I do not know. (Although I may have said that jokingly. Once or twice. A week. For two years.)

She wants me to say it publicly, so she can skewer me with her razor-sharp analysis and rapier-like wit. So here goes.

Women like jerks.

Think about it. Who gets lusted after? Sure, women might think that quiet guy at school/the office/on teevee is cute, but when it comes down to bumping uglies, who do they drop their kecks for nine times out of ten? Quiet-boy or the roguish fop with a glint in his eye?

And sure, the lovable rogue might turn out to be a top guy - just as the quiet type might turn out to be an utter nob... But practically every time the rogue gets the girl. Why? Well, he's probably the one that actually speaks to her to be sure, as opposed to freaking her out by staring alternately at her tits/the floor for three hours before sheepishly wandering over to get a proper look down the poor girl's top while coming out with some gut-wrenching, labia-clamping, abortion of a line...

But in every instance that counts, it's irrelevant who is nice or nasty - because it's the first guy who comes out with the right chat at the right time, no matter how insincere or nauseating, who's gonna get the freedom of that girl's pants for as long as it takes to lose his mess.

Women like the chat... They like having their egos massaged and bruised alternately until they are frothing at the gash... it doesn't matter in the slightest whether the guy is on the level or just making up a bunch of feelings and pretending that he has them.

And sure, the girl may delude herself that the guy is being genuine... She might fantasise about having the same nice, warm, emotionally fulfilling times as she'd have with the quiet guy.... She just as likely might want a quick & dirty shag (in which case, fair do's, but my argument still stands)...

Ultimately, way more often than not, she'll go with the jerk.

So how come women end up with nice guys? Well, the jerks either don't stick around or eventually get the elbow (when the girl gets her self-respect back) ... And in the long run, sure, nice guys do get shagged & men and women do have nurturing, mutually-fulfilling and wonderfully loving relationships.

Except, of course, if things get boring or flat or difficult or distracted and a relationship ends or infidelity rears it's head... Who is she gonna get involved with? The quiet guy, or the first asshat dandy jerk who tells her she's almost pretty?

Ask yourself.

And hey, before you get all uppity and hormonal about this post, remember this... Am I going to get more or less shags for having written it?

Over to you, Edna...